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I had something in mind to write this month, but it just wouldn't come together. Then, as I was walking, a specific story kept coming to mind which aligned with some other teachings/talks that I have heard/participated in recently.
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This requires humility on my part because it was a vulnerable time in my life.
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When we were first married, Jason and I worked as youth counselors in our local church. So, when we were grieving our stillborn son, we had teenagers and their families looking to us. There was a certain pressure to walk out our faith in what those around us perceived to be the 'right way'. It was as if giving birth in a traumatic way and then, days later burying our first child, was something easy to move on from.
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Life does keep moving. But it was hard for me to even get out of bed to take a step.
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Youth activities kept rolling. Expectations and responsibilities abounded.
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Yet, there was one particular night that still stands out in my mind when God assured me it was ok to rest and heal. It was ok to let others see my pain whether they knew how to deal with it or not. He also showed me that oozing pain was different than carrying it.
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I was a small group leader of about 6 teen girls at the time. On my first Wednesday night back to church, we broke off into groups, and the girls were gathered in a semicircle in front of me. There was a weird vibe with them as we tried to discuss the sermon that evening. I could have cut the tension with a knife. So, I proceeded to get to the bottom of the awkwardness.
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While I don't remember the exact issue that was causing dissension among the group, I do recall how petty it felt in my mind. Did they not know that I had a week earlier lost my first son? Did they think who was sitting by whom or what boy paid their friend attention was a cause for anger?
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My response was brief but pointed. I had no space for this. And as I walked away, I knew that I needed a break from shouldering their cares for a season. Maybe I should have been strong enough to give wise counsel and a listening ear, but I was still in the throes of lament with God. I could say all the right things, but I wasn't entirely convinced of them in my mind.
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I did apologize to these girls before stepping away from this ministry, and they extended love and grace to me. Many are sweet friends to this day. But the truth was that I couldn't be as present or patient with them as I needed to be.
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Most teenagers have no understanding of what it's like to carry life inside their bodies. They lack the maturity to know how to enter into someone else's grief. And their cares were important to them. Their friend and "boy troubles" were heavy issues in that season. So, while the truth was good, the way of love should have guided it -- not my heavy spirit.
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A few weeks ago, I recorded a podcast episode with Sue Corl, of Crown of Beauty International, where she asked me how to know when we are ready to share our painful stories. When are we healed enough to offer helpful comfort to others in their pain?
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While this will look uniquely personal to each individual, there are some things I have learned through the process of lament:
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1. Lament is biblical. Check out the Psalms. No one should feel pressured to "just get over" the pain we experience in this fallen world. Jesus grieved too. I think we miss something valuable in our culture that ancient cultures made room for -- periods of mourning and grief. Communities/families processed through it together.
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2. Jennifer Rothschild says, "Lament prevents soul cement." Grieving before God leads to a greater knowledge of the mind of God as we process our pain in His presence. It's a safe place for a believer to rightly see God so they can move forward by faith. The kindness of God will produce fruits of compassion, mercy, and grace within us; not embittered, hard hearts.
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3. If the focus of sharing is merely on telling the details of our story and not on the hope of Christ and the promises of God, our story will draw listeners (and even vultures) who will feed off our pain but go away unchanged. What is our motivation for sharing our story? Are we seeking attention for ourselves or the best for others and the glory of God? (Counselors/therapists are safe places to tell our raw stories.)
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4. Hearing the truths of Scripture are easier than walking in them. A tested faith has to be purged with fire, and the process of healing can feel as painful as the loss. Before losing my son, I sang songs about God being completely sovereign and good in all things, but afterward, I had to wrestle to truly walk in the truths I sang. With every moment I drew near to Him in my sorrow, God grew my little faith into something unshakable. Finding peace in our pain is worth sharing about.
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5. Time doesn't heal all wounds, but time does bring clarity, restoring eternal perspectives. Don't rush to help without time to see clearly. Are we living tethered to the past or for the joy Christ has set before us?
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6. Healing doesn't mean not being affected by the hurt any longer. It means we trust God with all the happenings of our lives. It means our tears still flow but they pour out of love and longing; not resentment that God allowed it. We can see from Jesus Himself that tears over the death of a friend are holy.
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Through the years, I have shared my reality of losing a child. I have written about the specific pain of stillbirths. I think sharing that knowledge informs people and helps others feel seen in what can feel like an isolating situation. I have felt God prompt me many times to speak about the value of life in the womb as it's not so important in our culture. But, it wasn't until the last two years that I shared more detail about our specific tragedy. It's been 25 years since I gave birth to Ryan, and the remembrance still brings me to tears at times. But now, it doesn't wreck me, sending me into a spiral of sadness. I believe that God can use my story to comfort someone else in this same tragic position. For this purpose, I am willing to share, even if I get choked up talking about my precious boy.
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When should we share our painful stories?
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- When God asks us to.
- When we trust God is good even in our sorrow and pain.
- When we are healthy enough to hold the joy of Christ with the pain of suffering.
- When the sharing comforts another instead of adding to their sense of loss...when it offers hope and encouragement; not discouragement or despair.
We won't be fully healed until we see Jesus face to face. But we have full access to the One who heals. He faithfully walks with His people. He catches each tear and sends the Holy Spirit to comfort like no human can -- reaching deep down to our innermost thoughts and feelings, bringing them captive to the truth of God.
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When we are in sweet fellowship with God, peace is present.
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That is something sharing our stories can direct others to find; and that is the greatest grace of life we can ever hope to imagine.
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New Song I'm Loving!
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Click this link to listen!
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In Case You Missed It!!
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Here is the link to this Psalm 119 study.
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What I'm Listening to!
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There is a new series on Lifeway's Marked podcast about prayer. I have been listening to an episode each day while I walk or workout at the gym. It's a distraction tactic. :) But it's been really encouraging, so I thought I would share one that goes with our newsletter topic for today. Listen here!
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The best way to help me continue to create encouraging resources is to purchase a copy of my first prayer guide, Consider. It's $15.99 paperback, $8.99 Kindle. The next best thing is to share about it and/or leave a review to spread the word. I'd be so appreciative!
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A final note of encouragement:
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Romans 15:13: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
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If you need prayer, please send me a message, and I will be more than happy to intercede on your behalf.
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